Petrol duty up 3% – Check.

Wine, beer and spirits duty up 2% - Check

My payrise this year, the first for two years, 1% - Check

Tobacco duty up 1% – I should take up cigs again and drop the blood-thinning booze.

Cider duty up 10% above inflation!- Thin end of the wedge – Check

But while I was getting royally shafted by my Darling, the sweet nothings were being whispered menacingly too.

Clampdown on tax avoidance to raise £500m – Talk me through that one again, because it seems to crop up in most budgets. Seems to suggest to the economically uneducated that you know full well who is bucking the system and trousering more than they should, and despite repeated similar promises you have let them carry on? Probably because they are busy providing you with payment for services rendered?

15,000 civil servants to be relocated outside London – Do us a favour. Don’t send them down here. That would put further pressure on our new super hospital that is neither big enough nor clean enough to cope with demand now.

New tax agreements with Belize, Grenada and Dominica – Sweet. I can rest easy in my bed tonight knowing you were on that case. Presumably more favourable for those of your ilk with a few bob in expenses to invest?

Bah, bloody humbug. Enjoy the opposition benches. What a shame.